Well, thousands of you have contacted me and want to know more of my pet peeves . . . not really, but even we hermits have our quirks . . . (oh come on, lighten up . . . you know you have dozens of pet peeves, too).
The telephone seems to be an issue for many people . . . not me, of course . . . but really, don’t you hate it when someone you call says . . . “Oh, hey, stranger, haven’t heard from you in a long time. What’s up?” Frack you . . . you could have called me, no?
And forget about returning a call. Under normal circumstances, I’m saying anything outside of three days and you’re rude and late. Someone better have died, given birth, been deployed, be developing a new Iron Man suit or fantastically frantic for them not to return a call in three days.
Don’t you love all these food shows? Yeah, me, too . . . but doesn’t it bug you when a chef has to explain to some judging panel (why do those judges always look like they’re watching a hanging, by the way?) how to eat his or her dish? “Take some of this or that, dip it in the sauce and then just touch the spoon-smeared reduction on the plate . . .” I just want to be able to eat how I want. What am I, 5-years-old? Yeah, neither are the judges . . . hang him . . .
I gave my wife a custom-made fly rod as an anniversary gift once, just before we headed out west. Could have been worse . . . how many guys are going to give vacuum cleaners to their female partners this year? Bad idea, but you’d think vacuuming was the most pleasurable chore ever to watch all those vacuum ads. Dancing around the living room with some new-fangled colorful vac or racing over the bedroom floor with a steam vac thingie. (Apparently men don’t vacuum.) Go with a nice scarf as a gift instead.
As kind of a marketing guy, I always wonder whether someone actually watches his or her company’s ads before they’re finalized. There’s a nice looking kitchen design company ad set to music that airs regularly on my sat tv, but with no audio other than the music. If I’m not watching, how the heck do I know what the company is? End the audio with the name of the firm, address and phone number.
And speaking of which, every ad should have the company’s full address (don’t assume I know what town your street is in), phone number and web address. Watch . . . a bunch of them don’t . . . well what the heck . . . your ad is probably hitting regionally . . . I’m in New Hampshire watching my dish and have no idea where in Burlington Vermont or Plattsburgh New York XYZ Street is.
I love football, but don’t you sometimes wonder about where the ball is placed after a play? I mean they eyeball the spot up and down the field and then bring out the chain for an exact fractional measurement when it’s close to a first down. So they could be off by a couple of feet on every play except the one that really counts.
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